New Confederacy
Alabama legislature votes to reimpose literacy tests for voting
MONTGOMERY, ALA. — Alabama lawmakers voted this week to resume requiring literacy tests for voters for the first time in six decades.
Critics blast New Confederacy housing policies as ‘resegregation’
AUSTIN, TEX. — Advocacy organizations and local leaders in the New Confederacy are criticizing a recent set of quiet housing policy changes as an attempt at “resegregation,” which they say mirror traditional forms of racism in the former United States of America.
Report: Majority of New Confederate asylum-seekers in US cite LGBTQ persecution
WASHINGTON D.C. — The vast majority of asylum-seekers from the New Confederacy arriving in the United States are citing persecution on the basis of their LGBTQ identity, a new report shows.
‘Tonight Show’ exchange goes viral after Michelle Obama asks Fetterman ‘what’s wrong with you?’
NEW YORK, N.Y. — Last night’s interview on “The Tonight Show” with the New Confederacy’s ambassador to the United States, John Fetterman, is going viral after host Michelle Obama showed visible confusion about his bizarre answers.
New Confederate Supreme Court OK’s all-white juries
AUSTIN, TEX. — The New Confederate Supreme Court ruled yesterday that prosecutors may remove all people of color from juries without violating a defendant’s rights.
New Confederacy to eliminate food nutrition labeling
ASHLAND, ALA. — Beginning next year, the New Confederacy will no longer require nutrition labels to be displayed on food products.
New Confederacy announces ‘fixed-term servitude’ visa for immigrants
AUSTIN, TEX. — The New Confederate Department of Capitalism announced today that it has created a new pathway for immigrant workers, known as the “fixed-term servitude” visa.
Louisiana criminalizes transgender status
BATON ROUGE, LA. — Louisiana became the first state in the New Confederacy to make it a crime to be transgender, after Gov. Jeff Landry signed the Protecting Women’s Restrooms and Sports Act today.
US seizes assets of New Confederate leaders over links to crime
WASHINGTON D.C. — U.S. law enforcement agencies seized assets worth more than $20 million from New Confederate leaders who allegedly committed crimes between 2021-2025 through their roles in the Trump administration, the U.S. Department of Justice announced today.
Report: Largest group of illegally present immigrants in US is from New Confederacy
COLLEGE PARK, MD. — Researchers at the University of Maryland reported yesterday that citizens of the New Confederacy are estimated to be the largest group of immigrants illegally present in the United States.
Trump Jr. demands removal of Smithsonian fascism exhibit
AUSTIN, TEX. — New Confederate President Donald Trump Jr. is demanding that the U.S. Smithsonian Institution remove its new “American Fascism” exhibit, which contains information about the Trump family, the MAGA movement in the former United States of America, and the various crimes committed under domestic and international law.
Arkansas to eliminate special education in K-12
LITTLE ROCK, ARK. — Arkansas announced today that it will eliminate special education programs from K-12 schooling beginning in January, now that no federal law mandates such services.
‘Bill of Men’s Rights’ stalls in New Confederate Congress
AUSTIN, TEX. — New Confederate lawmakers adjourned for the rest of the month today without a vote on the proposed “Bill of Men’s Rights.”
Dog fighting organizers announce 13-city New Confederacy tour
TULSA, OKLA. — The operator of Big Dawg Brawls has announced an upcoming tour of 13 New Confederate cities, following the legalization of dog fighting earlier this year.
New Confederacy demands patient data from US abortion clinics
AUSTIN, TEX. — The New Confederate Department of Criminal Enforcement has sent demands to more than two dozen abortion providers in the United States, seeking details about citizens of the New Confederacy who traveled abroad to receive an abortion.
New Confederacy revokes tax-exempt status for mosques
AUSTIN, TEX. — The New Confederate Department of the Treasury announced today that mosques will no longer qualify as tax-exempt nonprofit entities.
New Confederate Supreme Court upholds worker’s firing for using pronouns in email signature
AUSTIN, TEX. — The New Confederate Supreme Court has upheld the firing of a Missouri woman for using personal pronouns in her email signature in violation of state law.
New Confederacy lowers age of consent to 13
ATLANTA, GA. — New Confederate President Donald Trump Jr. has signed a law lowering the age of consent across the country to 13 years old.
Texas to execute first defendant convicted of ‘wokeness’
WEST LIVINGSTON, TEX. — Texas is scheduled to execute the first criminal defendant to be convicted of ‘wokeness’ on Saturday night, after the New Confederate Supreme Court declined to intervene.
New Confederacy lawmakers debate ‘Gun Bill of Rights’
AUSTIN, TEX. — Members of the New Confederate Congress continue to debate the Gun Bill of Rights, with moderate lawmakers pushing to remove protections for machine guns and missile launchers from the bill.
