The Alternate Times

By Jedediah Blinks

September 1, 2029

AUSTIN, TEX. — Members of the New Confederate Congress continue to debate the Gun Bill of Rights, with moderate lawmakers pushing to remove protections for machine guns and missile launchers from the bill.

“I think owning one or several AR-15s is the most important thing a person could do in their life, aside from going to church,” said Rep. Randy Biggums, R-La. “But I’m a little uncomfortable at letting people walk around with bazookas strapped to themselves. That seems a bit overboard.”

The New Confederacy, which just experienced its 79th mass shooting this year, has repealed almost all gun safety measures that existed prior to 2029, including the elimination of background checks, waiting periods, age limits, training requirements, and restrictions on magazine size.

The Gun Bill of Rights would enshrine the open carry of firearms in schools, faith houses, workplaces, and other public spaces. It would also create subsidies for gun manufacturers in order to help low-income Confederates purchase weapons.

Hard-line members of Congress have continued to push for the right to own and brandish firearms of any type.

“You’re telling me that as a 5’4″, 130-pound woman, I’m supposed to walk into a grocery store with a magazine limited to 30 rounds? How can I possibly defend myself with that?” said Sen. Suzanne Whitley, R-S.C.

The Bill of Rights would maintain existing firearm restrictions at the Donald J. Trump Capitol Building, the Donald J. Trump Presidential Palace, and the Donald J. Trump Courthouse.