By Jedediah Blinks
October 8, 2029
ASHLAND, ALA. — Beginning next year, the New Confederacy will no longer require nutrition labels to be displayed on food products.
“Big government needs to get out of the way and let the private sector thrive,” New Confederate Secretary of Health and Families Matt Gaetz said at a press conference outside the Koch Foods facility in Ashland. “The way to bring food costs down for families is to eliminate costly regulations and let people make their own choices.”
Officials in the U.S. government warned that the New Confederacy’s move could bring a halt to food imports if companies change their practices, as regulators will not approve products without legally required labeling.
“I’m confident the Ocasio-Cortez administration will be exploring robust trade deals with our other international partners in the coming weeks. This is more detrimental to the New Confederacy than to anyone else,” said U.S. House Speaker Joe Neguse, D-Colo.
Gaetz added that he has spoken with New Confederate President Donald Trump Jr. about a “redesign” of the food pyramid.
“I think we need to be giving people nutrition advice for the 21st century. No one is asking if the kids of today can get by with a lot less fruits and vegetables, but we’re certainly gonna crunch the numbers on that,” he said.
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