The Alternate Times

By Jorge Lopez Morales

September 4, 2029

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following record increases in funding for food inspections and oversight, the United States reported no food borne illness deaths in the second quarter of the year.

In 2028, 468 people in the former United States of America died amid a whirlwind of contamination in the food supply, including bacteria, viruses, parasites, and chemical substances. At the time, the Trump administration had diverted all funding for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to the wars in Iran, Lebanon, Cuba, Canada, and The Vatican.

However, the Ocasio-Cortez administration asked Congress for record-breaking investments in food safety this year, and the hiring of thousands of food safety inspectors. Anthropic, as part of its settlement with the U.S. Department of Justice in April, agreed to repurpose its artificial intelligence technology toward the detection and recall of contaminated foods and medicines prior to their distribution.

“Clean air, clean water, and safe food shouldn’t be controversial in the year 2029. And yet, we had to move heaven and earth to get us to a place where those things are a reality,” said U.S. Vice President Pete Buttigieg. “I promise we will never go back to a time when entire schools were canceling classes due to too many staff and students having diarrhea.”

Meanwhile, the FDA continues to pursue enforcement action against companies that market unauthorized New Confederacy products to consumers. This week, law enforcement intercepted a shipment of 10,000 “ostrich milk” supplements, advertised by podcaster and New Confederate Secretary of Defense Kyle Rittenhouse. The FDA has warned that the supplements are derived from neither ostriches nor milk, and contain dangerously high levels of arsenic.